Bloody Photographers !

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Ya try and take a nice photo of your Mum and some bloke with a big lens appears !

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Pig in a poke

man with bag for life

I’ve been wondering all day at which point our Prime Minister David Cameron decided he’d like to become PM ? Was it after he stuck his dick in a dead pig or before ? I don’t know about you lot but when I was much younger, in my youth, yes I’d go out and get drunk from time to time, but behaving badly with a dead pig as part of some bizarre initiation ritual to join some club was not in my or my mates oeuvre. I did stick a crayon up my nose at infant school when a lass told me to but I was about six at the time and I did learn never again to do a daft thing   just because someone told me to. Don’t get me wrong, I love  a bacon sandwich and nice bit of pork and cracklin when I can get it but that takes the bloody biscuit. I hope he washed it before he stuck it in the dirty git !  I did some pretty daft things in my youth but that certainly was not one of them. Neither was snorting cocaine from my mates very hairy backside ! Then again I wouldn’t have been able to afford cocaine even if I’d have heard about it back in the early eighties.A few pints of well brewed Wards beer was more my choice of fun enhancement.  My mates and I liked a few beers and we could be a bit mischievous but rather than concern ourselves with being bloody annoying to other people we went to see live bands a lot; The Jam, Big Country, Nine Below Zero, Ian Dury and the Blockheads, John Cooper-Clarke, The Undertones etc etc.
Now I’m not one for believing the newspapers and this one certainly takes some believing but it is revealed in some biography about Cameron by some disgruntled ex Tory benefactor who apparently Cameron passed over for some top job in Government. So either Cameron didn’t stick his dick in a dead pig or the Tory benefactor has a somewhat depraved and vivid imagination besides being pretty pissed off that his money didn’t buy him a post. Either way, as per usual neither of them come out of this particularly well and this Eton educated idiot is running the country.

I don’t know this man. I don’t know his name. I don’t know his past and I don’t know his future. The image is not really about the man in the picture at all. The photo above reminds me of my current favourite t-shirt. It’s a quote from a song on the album Dark Side of the Moon by Pink Floyd, ‘Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way’. 

 

So you want to be a Photographer ? What should I photograph ? Street Photography

Street Photography – my favourite!

Ok so the first thing you need to understand about  when you  photograph someone, even a complete strange, you steal their soul.  Yes really ! The camera literally sucks their brains out of their skulls and leaves them with no personality or anything else worth salvaging. Yes exactly just  like them  Dementors in the Harry Potter books and  Lord of the Rings and all those other fantasy tales of good versus evil in parallel universes, black holes, drainpipes etc etc . .So if you must indulge in taking your camera out on the streets,  beware! real people go there too and they have a nasty habit of getting in the way  They do rude things like stand in front of you when your trying to take a photo and you wouldn’t want to steal their priceless souls now would you?

Anyway you shouldn’t really be taking photos in the street where people go should you because it’s wrong and immoral and people will think you’re a terrorist or a paedophile or both because they’re thick like that. Someone sooner or later  will ask you what you’re doing  because they’re bloody nosey and they can’t help themselves and they would have joined the police if they hadn’t had been so thick ! So ! how do you deal with people like that ?  It’s really quite simple. Just smile politely, put your camera away and apologise profusely and walk away with your head bowed in shame. If you are approached by a security guard or policeman  do the same thing but this time offer him ( or her )  money as a gift not a bribe  to supplement their  meagre income. Hand over your camera so he can delete all your images and your clothes as well. Walk home naked with a large sign around your neck with PHOTOGRAPHER written on it so people can see you’re a terrorist   or paedophile or both . As you walk home find and take a large branch from a tree so you can flagellate your self with it so you’ll arrive home badly beaten and bruised, naked !  Nothing else will suffice to rid you of the evil you have just committed. Never ever never think of taking photographs of real people ever again…………….ever !

Next week other things you can do with your camera !

Here’s that photo of people looking at a ship out to sea I promised you. The ship is out at sea not the people ! Well actually they might be because they might be on another boat which is also out at sea as well.

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So you want to be a Photographer – Part 3 Buying the Camera

Buying the Camera

The great day has arrived and your ready to buy your camera. Walk bare foot into  town or nearest city and go to the local camera shop. That’s if there’s still any left. Tell the Assistant in the shop you’re thinking of buying a camera ( why would you be there for anything else ? ) and watch his eyes light up. Ask him ( or her but usually him, this blog isn’t sexist or gender biased, you have to be so careful these days ) to show you all the models available while you get out your packed lunch and flask of tea. Don’t worry ! this is his  ( or her etc….. you have to be so careful … ) moment of glory and he ( or her …) will love you for it. It’s what he’s ( or her ) trained for, his reason for living, what makes him ( or her )  get out of bed in a morning. He ( or she )  just loves explaining those terms and functions to you and why you simply won’t be able to take photographs without them, while you poor soul will develop the expression and pallor of a fried egg. Three hours later leave the shop and buy the camera on the internet at 30% cheaper. Again don’t worry, the assistant knows exactly this is what you’ll do and they don’t mind a bit. In fact they’ll think you’re a lunatic if you don’t. The number of times I’ve seen people walking out of a camera shop with a new camera to peels of laughter coming from inside you just wouldn’t believe.

Eventually the camera will arrive delivered by a man in a van carrying a portable data thingy and you’ll sign for it ? Hoorah ! Before you sign keep the delivery man waiting ages by opening the box up to make sure it’s got a manual the thickness of the New Testament as well as a CD. That way you’ll be able to wave it at your wife, partner, dog etc while boasting what a deeply technical piece of kit you’re wearing and they wouldn’t possibly understand how it works. The delivery man won’t mind one little bit. After all he’s ( or she you have to be so careful etc ……)  got four thousand  other deliveries to make, roughly a round trip of about six hundred miles timed  by his caring Company  at precisely one drop every 20 seconds before he gets his shitty bonus and he’s got his kids parents evening that night as well.

Where was I ? Oh yes ….don’t read the manual ! Nobody else does, but if your one of those fruitcakes who does then book yourself into a monastery for a month, lock yourself In a room, wear a horse hair shirt, flagellate yourself every hour and study the manual with an intensity known only to chess players. Only then will you feel sufficiently enobled to go out with your camera and face the world. You’re nearly there ! You’re nearly a photographer !

Next time, what next ? what else do I need and what should I photograph ? Plus a photo of people looking at a ship out to sea. In the meantime here’s a photograph of a cow in a field !

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