Buying the Camera
The great day has arrived and your ready to buy your camera. Walk bare foot into town or nearest city and go to the local camera shop. That’s if there’s still any left. Tell the Assistant in the shop you’re thinking of buying a camera ( why would you be there for anything else ? ) and watch his eyes light up. Ask him ( or her but usually him, this blog isn’t sexist or gender biased, you have to be so careful these days ) to show you all the models available while you get out your packed lunch and flask of tea. Don’t worry ! this is his ( or her etc….. you have to be so careful … ) moment of glory and he ( or her …) will love you for it. It’s what he’s ( or her ) trained for, his reason for living, what makes him ( or her ) get out of bed in a morning. He ( or she ) just loves explaining those terms and functions to you and why you simply won’t be able to take photographs without them, while you poor soul will develop the expression and pallor of a fried egg. Three hours later leave the shop and buy the camera on the internet at 30% cheaper. Again don’t worry, the assistant knows exactly this is what you’ll do and they don’t mind a bit. In fact they’ll think you’re a lunatic if you don’t. The number of times I’ve seen people walking out of a camera shop with a new camera to peels of laughter coming from inside you just wouldn’t believe.
Eventually the camera will arrive delivered by a man in a van carrying a portable data thingy and you’ll sign for it ? Hoorah ! Before you sign keep the delivery man waiting ages by opening the box up to make sure it’s got a manual the thickness of the New Testament as well as a CD. That way you’ll be able to wave it at your wife, partner, dog etc while boasting what a deeply technical piece of kit you’re wearing and they wouldn’t possibly understand how it works. The delivery man won’t mind one little bit. After all he’s ( or she you have to be so careful etc ……) got four thousand other deliveries to make, roughly a round trip of about six hundred miles timed by his caring Company at precisely one drop every 20 seconds before he gets his shitty bonus and he’s got his kids parents evening that night as well.
Where was I ? Oh yes ….don’t read the manual ! Nobody else does, but if your one of those fruitcakes who does then book yourself into a monastery for a month, lock yourself In a room, wear a horse hair shirt, flagellate yourself every hour and study the manual with an intensity known only to chess players. Only then will you feel sufficiently enobled to go out with your camera and face the world. You’re nearly there ! You’re nearly a photographer !
Next time, what next ? what else do I need and what should I photograph ? Plus a photo of people looking at a ship out to sea. In the meantime here’s a photograph of a cow in a field !