So you want to be a Photographer – Part 2 – Choosing a Camera ?

So you want to be a Photographer – Part 2 – Choosing a Camera

Now you’ve decided you want to get involved with this photography lark you’ll want / need to buy yourself a camera. You could always borrow one from a gullible friend for a while to see how you get on and whether it’s worth all the hassle but that would be too much like common sense. My Mum used to say “don’t know why they call it common sense because there aint much of it around”. You could always nick one but this blog does not sanction crime by thieves, vagabonds, ne’er do wells and ruffians. Politicians and Bankers might ! but not this Blog.

How much should I spend ?
Buy the most expensive camera you can; take out a loan from a loan shark and re-mortgage your home, whatever it takes.  If you don’t, you won’t be satisfied until you have and you’ll regret it eventually, believe me. Don’t tell your wife, spouse, partner, dog, cat, tortoise  etc so you’ll be able to watch their face and photograph it when the loan shark turns up to reclaim his money and the 2000% interest you owe him. You’ll also be able to photograph your bruises after you’ve been beaten to a pulp by said loan shark. That kind of image goes down well with rich gallery owners and curators who don’t know their arses from their elbows ! They love images  blown up massive of poor working class people with black eyes and angst expressions.

What sort of camera should I buy ?
Buy the camera with the most knobs, dials and buttons which is, frustratingly, not always the most expensive. That way you’ll spend a lifetime trying to work out what they all do and mean. You’ll have a weird kind of frustrating fun and you won’t bother anyone else in the process. Buy the heaviest and bulkiest model available and don’t forget to buy all the lenses made for it as well. You won’t need them all but hey it’s your party and you’ll look really cool ( as the kids say ) lugging all that heavy shit around with you !

If anyone tells you that the future is camera phone photography and you don’t bloody well need a big camera, don’t believe them, they’re just trying to spoil your fun, the miserable gits !

What functions should it have ?

It simply must have a Birthday, Christmas and Christening function to go with the Landscape, Sports and Drug Crazed Party function. You’ll also want one with a firework function because you never know when you’ll find yourself in the middle of an impromptu firework display in Spain or some remote town in Latin America where they go in for the kind of thing….. and fighting ! Come to think of it get one with a photo everything function and send it out on it’s own while you sit on your backside and watch daytime TV. Only joking ! what would be the point of that ? Do get one with a GPS function so it will tell you exactly where you were on this planet when you took the shot. Just in case you had your eyes closed and can’t read a bloody map !

How should I justify my purchase to my friends ?

Tell your relatives (or whatever you call them) you’ll do weddings, portraits and pets. It’ll be easier in the long run. Whatever you do don’t tell them your thinking of doing funerals, they’ll think you’re a weirdo and besides why would anyone want to photograph people looking miserable in front of a large wooden box with flowers on top. Don’t talk about journalism, social documentary and reportage or they’ll think you’re a proper crank and they won’t know what the hell you’re twittering on about anyway. Landscapes and they’ll think your sad and lonely and need a wife, partner, spouse, dog or other kind of friend. That said if you do do ( I love writing do do !) you’ll be able to buy even more shockingly expensive outdoor gear like puffa jackets and fleeces made in sweatshops in India, not to mention trousers with more pockets than a clown’s outfit.

So ! you’re nearly ready to get your camera ?

Next time, Going to buy your camera and a photo of a man sat in a tree ! 

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International Wear a Hat Day sometime in the 80’s. There wasn’t enough light for proper photography then, you had to carry a torch around with you as well.

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